Help Me Breathe REDUX
by akaHollyn
Summary: In a world of blood and pride, Jane is barely considered a person. When her circumstances change, can Jane take control of her terrifying situation? Or will she lose in the endless battle between life and death? [a remake of my old story! updates first saturday of every month.]
1. Chapter 1

It's a rare moment when I don't fear for my life. Lovely, wonderful, but rare.

I apologize for the melodrama. My father always said I made mountains out of molehills. I'm beginning to think 'vague and maudlin' is no way to start a memoir.

But how else would I begin a story like mine? ' _You see, it all started before I was born…_ '

Actually…

That's probably not a bad place to start.

Before I was born, my parents found themselves in the unenviable position of 'about to be eaten by vampires.' Like all people who didn't have a death wish, they were willing to cut a deal. And like all monstrous and supernatural creatures, the vampires asked for their first born child.

You can guess how well that worked out for me.

When I was eleven, the vampires came for their prize. They were delighted to find me - you see, I have O- blood. The universal donor. Vampires can drink any kind of blood, of course, but O- is the easiest for them to digest.

Any other blood type would have gotten me torn apart and devoured that first night. But thanks to my valuable blood, Rider and Vanessa restrained themselves.

I'm nineteen now, and I've spent the last eight years being bitten and drained but never given the release of death.

My name is Jane, and I'm a human in a world of vampires.

x

* * *

x

Rider and Vanessa had lost their minds.

I had thought this before, of course. But I was pretty sure they actually had, this time.

Rider was manically fluffing throw pillows, and Vanessa was trying to wrestle my long black hair into a braid. I didn't understand how she was failing. My hair wasn't exactly troublesome.

"What's going - _ow!_ " I yelped when Vanessa nearly yanked a fistful of hair out of my scalp.

"Quit complaining, or I'll give you something to complain about," she growled, clawing her fingers through my hair. She settled for a high ponytail, wrapping a cheap purple band around it to keep it in place.

"What's going on?" I managed to ask.

"We're having company!" Rider announced, standing up straight when he was satisfied the pillow had achieved maximum fluff. Another pillow caught his eye, and he hurried to fiddle with it.

Company. They have had company over before. It always resulted in Rider carefully sliding a blade across my arm, directing my blood into a cheap plastic cup, urging his friends to try, isn't it just marvelous? I was trembling and the room was spinning and try, isn't it just-?

"Vanessa, how does the table look?" Rider asked, taking a step back and examining the couch with a critical eye. "Tell me it's clean."

Vanessa looked over at the battered old table in the living room. It was stacked with magazines and unpaid bills. She rushed over to dispose of them.

Yes, Rider and Vanessa had hosted parties before, inviting other crass and low-ranking vampires like themselves. I carefully put the memories out of my mind, because my hands had started shaking and I just could not deal with that right now.

They had never, in my memory, went insane trying to clean their hovel like this. The room was always filthy, and when they kicked me away I landed in dirty laundry and curled into myself and shuddered at the rank stench of socks and cheap cigars and my own blood-

I reached up to press my fingertips against my eyes. Can't deal with that right now.

Someone worth impressing was coming over. A chance for them to _move up_ was coming over. If I was good... if I made them look good, if I didn't make any trouble...

Maybe they wouldn't hurt me tonight.

x

* * *

x

As I had suspected, our guests were vampire aristocrats. They were not happy to be in Rider and Vanessa's house.

One of them, a woman with bright red curls who Vanessa greeted as Cassandra, took one look around the house and wrinkled her nose. "Oh, I should have stayed home."

Vanessa didn't let her smile falter, but I had spent the last eight years studying her face. Devastation, humiliation, fury.

"I heard Master Chasecroft is coming to this... affair," another vampire said, casting a distasteful look over the living room. Master...?

"Ah, yes, he was invited, Kane," Rider said eagerly.

The name was so familiar...

"But is he _coming_?" Kane pressed. He peered at Cassandra, who was clearly having some sort of internal conflict over whether she could stand to sit on the couch. "I'm surprised he didn't accompany you, Cassandra."

"Oh, how presumptuous of you, darling," she said, finally steeling her resolve and lowering herself onto the stained cushions. "I thought you had better things to do than start scandals and pass around rumors."

"You _know_ that's not true," Kane said, taking a seat in Rider's recliner. He pushed his pale brown hair out of his eyes and gave Cassandra a radiant smile. "I firmly believe that gossip and drama are the only things that make life worth living."

"Of course," Cassandra said, examining the rings on her own fingers as if making sure they weren't out of place. "I suppose I was being kind in implying you had any sort of integrity. Let me assure you that I wouldn't dare to imply I've tarnished dear Benedikt's honor."

Master Benedikt Chasecroft, I realized, the half-breed aristocrat who refused to act like a dhampir should.

"Saying you won't kiss and tell does imply that one has partaken of a kiss."

Rider, Vanessa, and their friends frequently complained about owing their fealty to a half-human whelp who didn't know his place.

"Oh, Kane," Cassandra said, exasperated. "Don't bother trying to be clever. It doesn't suit you."

I had never met him, but I suppose I couldn't help but admire someone who didn't let their humanity make them powerless.

The aristocrats continued baiting each other, occasionally pausing to make some snide comment to Rider and Vanessa. I stayed in the corner of the small kitchen, sitting on the counter and making sure my heels didn't bump the cupboards too loudly. This was customary for Rider and Vanessa's parties - I was easy to see from there, on display but out of the way. If they could afford it I was certain they would have gotten a pedestal for me and placed me right next to the television.

Kane and Cassandra ignored me. Rider kept glancing at me, as if urging them to look in my direction. It didn't seem to be working.

There was a knock at the door.

"Finally," Cassandra sighed as Vanessa jumped up to answer.

"A vampire slayer to put us out of our misery, hopefully," Kane said.

"A _vampire slayer_ ," Cassandra scoffed. "Did your sire tell you slayer tales so you wouldn't be naughty?"

"If she did, it never worked," Kane said as Vanessa opened the door.

"Oh - Master Chasecroft - we're so glad you could make it!" Vanessa said.

A moment of silence, then a small figure stepped in and peered around. It was a pale-haired boy, sizing up everyone in the room with a critical eye. He looked very disgruntled. "This is it?"

"Nathan," a measured voice replied, and a man dressed in black stepped into the house. "Don't be rude."

"Put a tarp down before you sit anywhere," the boy continued. "And the ghoul in the corner, what's that about?"

"The human?" Kane asked, finally looking at me. "I assumed we were going to eat later in the evening...?"

The man in black, who could only be Benedikt Chasecroft, looked at me. His hair was black and carefully pushed back, and from where I was seated on the counter I could see the slight point to his ears. "Who is she?"

Is this what a dhampir looked like? He didn't look too different from any other vampire I had seen, except for the ears. From everything I'd heard, I had assumed half-breeds were abominations that were pathetic to behold.

"Oh, this?" Rider asked, trying too hard to sound casual. "This is our stock. Jane."

Benedikt Chasecroft's back was straight, his gaze sure and unflinching, his expression controlled. I couldn't maintain eye contact with him.

"Your stock?" Cassandra asked. She batted her lashes and held up a hand to barely cover her smirk. "Oh, I didn't know you could afford stock, dears."

The boy, Nathan, scoffed, picking at a loose string on Rider's recliner. "Clearly they can't, look at how terrible she looks."

"I had no idea you had such _luxuries_ ," Kane said coldly, his fingernails lighting scratching at the armrests of the recliner.

Rider and Vanessa answered to Kane, and Kane and Cassandra answered to Benedikt, who was still watching me.

"We've paid our tithes and taxes to you on time," Vanessa said, trying to hide her fear.

"But clearly not in full," Kane replied.

"As if you're one to judge," Benedikt cut in mildly, and Cassandra laughed, and Benedikt looked away from me to smile at her.

"You can't imagine how much it warms my heart to see someone else refuse to accommodate him," Cassandra said warmly, beckoning for Benedikt to sit beside her. He did, to Nathan's vocal disapproval. "Benedikt, we were just talking about Kane's irrational fear of vampire slayers."

"I was joking," Kane protested.

"Vampire secrecy laws mean humans don't know about us, which means no more vampire slayers," Benedikt said.

"I heard the old queen disapproved of the secrecy laws _vigorously_ ," Kane said, leaning forward with a smile. "Any truth to those rumors?"

Benedikt gave Kane that level stare, but didn't answer before Cassandra cut in. "Kane, you could always pay her a visit and ask her for her politics yourself."

Kane recoiled. "I-"

"Millecent's focus is on helping me run Chasecroft Manor," Benedikt said, leaning back on the couch in a careful display of relaxation. "It requires her full attention."

"Of course, Master Benedikt," Kane said, the picture of humility.

Nathan was stalking around the house, occasionally picking up random items and sniffing them. His eyes kept going to me, suspicious and critical.

"Do you feed her?" he demanded of Rider.

"We - of course we feed her," Rider said. "It's much cheaper to give her vitamin and mineral supplements, but we also make sure she gets a bit of red meat every week."

"Every week?" Nathan asked. "How much do you feed her every day?"

"Bread, milk, red meat on weekends," Rider sputtered.

"That's _it?_ " Nathan cried.

"Oh, that can't be good for the poor thing," Cassandra said. "No wonder she's so skinny."

"Why bother keeping her, if you won't keep her in good condition?" Kane asked.

"She's O negative," Vanessa said stiffly.

Silence, and they were all staring at me.

Benedikt was the first to look away, looking back at Rider with his head tilted slightly. "I believe we came for cards?"

x

* * *

x

Benedikt Chasecroft was terrible at cards. I watched him win a little and lose a lot, his frustration obvious as Cassandra encouraged him and Nathan criticized him.

"Damned game," he swore, raking one hand through his hair.

"Don't blame the game for your own shortcomings," Nathan scolded.

"Oh, precious, there's no shame in having a bad luck streak," Cassandra insisted.

"Maybe you've played it out," said Kane, who had stopped playing an hour ago. He was watching Benedikt with barely restrained glee. "You'll get the next round, I'm sure of it."

"I agree, Master Benedikt," said Rider, who had won over a thousand dollars that evening. "One more round before morning couldn't hurt, could it?"

Vanessa giggled, hid her face in Rider's shoulder, and I couldn't help but be relieved. They had a good night. They would be gentle - maybe not kind, but they wouldn't lash out at me the way they did when the nights were bad.

Benedikt scrutinized Rider's cheerful face, then nodded. "I'm out of cash, but there is something I wanted to bet when I thought I had a better chance."

"Oh?" Rider asked. "What's that?"

Benedikt looked at me, fingers tapping on the living room table. "Her."

Rider's good mood vanished, and I ducked my head. "You said yourself you're out of cash. You have nothing to match her value."

The dhampir grimaced, then glanced at Nathan. The boy flinched. " _No_."

"What about a veteran of the child rings?" Benedikt offered. "Vampirelings aren't so common, these days - he's a good icebreaker, if nothing else."

"You are _dead_ to me," Nathan spat.

"Benedikt - precious - I don't think-" Cassandra stammered.

"Take him up on it, Rider," Kane said, uncharacteristically serious. His eyes were glittering with anticipation.

The connections linked up quickly in my mind - Kane knew about me now, and he'd obviously know about Nathan, and with Rider and Vanessa as his vassals he was entitled to any of their possessions. Of course, the same could be said of Benedikt, but he didn't seem inclined to abuse his barely maintained rank.

Rider looked from Kane, to Vanessa, to me - then back at Benedikt with a hard expression. "Alright. The girl for the boy."

"Dead to me," Nathan repeated.

The cards were dealt, and I tried to focus on not imagining what Chasecroft Manor was like.

I had spent all night watching Benedikt lose. It was stupid to think he'd suddenly become a master card player, to think he'd take me away from the hovel I've lived in since I was eleven. It was even more stupid to think my life would be better with him. He'd have more people to entertain than Rider and Vanessa had ever had. More people to impress with the richness of my blood. And if he was so willing to abandon Nathan - someone he had seemed to consider a friend - how would I ever feel secure in his home? When would he find another human he'd be willing to gamble me away for?

The images of a fine estate wouldn't leave my head. Maybe he'd give me clothes that fit, that hid the scars my current masters had left all over my body. Maybe he'd give me real meals and I wouldn't go to sleep hungry.

Maybe he'd feel sympathy, being half human himself. Maybe he'd free me.

I couldn't stop my disappointment when Rider threw down his hand with a victorious grin. "Four nines!"

Benedikt grimaced, peering down at his cards. "So, wait... that's worse than a royal flush, right?"

"What?" Rider asked, and Benedikt tipped his hand to reveal a series of five heart cards, and my own heart started racing.

"Royal flush... right?" Benedikt asked. Nathan threw his hands up dramatically.

"What a _turn_ of _events_!" he exclaimed, and Cassandra laughed so hard she was breathless.

Rider shot up so fast his folding chair was knocked down. "You _cheated_!"

The room was absolutely silent, and Benedikt stared incredulously up at Rider. "I cheated? _I_ cheated? As soon as you got the girl she should have been sent as a tithe to Kane, and then to me. Now I have what I should have had, and you are a thousand dollars richer. So _I_ cheated? By pretending to be bad at cards? _I_ cheated."

Kane was watching Rider with no small degree of amusement. Vanessa was red-faced, furious, her nails digging into Rider's arm.

"You-"

"Quit while you're ahead, dickhead," Nathan sneered. He jerked his chin in my direction. "Grab your stuff, kid, we're leaving."

I slid off the counter, gripping the edge when my knees buckled beneath me. All coherent thought was washed out of my mind, and I was left only with equal parts disbelief and terrible, foolish excitement.

"I don't - have any stuff," I managed thickly.

I saw Benedikt grimace, saw him turn to hide it, and Nathan shrugged. "Easier to get out of here quick, then. Let's go."

I stumbled forward, eager and terrified of this being a trick, or a dream, or my mind finally snapping.

"You had me, Benedikt, you had me! I thought for sure you'd lost your mind, tossing poor sweet Nathan aside like that!" Cassandra said as I tripped and fell into Benedikt's arms. I looked up, horrified by my blunder, and saw that his eyes were red shot through with gold.

"I'm so sorry!" I gasped, but Benedikt just put me back on my feet and placed a steadying hand on my back.

"I would never," he said to Cassandra. "Nathan's far too useful to throw away like that."

"Oh, sure, I'm just useful," Nathan sniffed, leading us to the door. "No comment about my boundless charm or perfect hair. No! Just _useful_."

"Your suffering is truly noble," Cassandra assured him.

"Of course it is! It's noble, and slightly brooding, and very sexy," Nathan insisted, opening the front door and casting a final look at the filthy house and its seething occupants.

"Kane, dear, are you coming?" Cassandra asked over her shoulder.

"My car should be here soon," he called, finger tapping against his lips as he watched Rider and Vanessa seethe. "Don't wait up."

"Fair enough, darling," she called before looking forward again with a smirk and one eyebrow raised. "As if I'd bother waiting for him."

"It's terrifying to think of what you say about me when I'm not around," Benedikt said. His hand was still on my back, and I tried not to lean back into the firm but gentle touch. It was so comforting, but I couldn't risk testing his patience - couldn't risk him deciding I wasn't worth the effort...

"Oh, it would curdle your blood, certainly," she replied lightly. "I'm very cruel, you know."

"I wouldn't say-" Benedikt stopped, and I ducked my head, but he didn't address me. "Did James really just sleep in the car all night?"

Nathan peered at the fine car on the curb, and laughed. "Well, he said he would."

" _Why?_ " Benedikt demanded, clearly baffled.

"Old men like him need their rest, precious," Cassandra said. She pulled Benedikt to face her, then leaned forward to brush her lips against his cheek. His fingers twitched against my back.

Then Cassandra looked at me, took my face in her hands and peered into my eyes. I froze, tried to look away, but she held firm.

"Oh, you poor sweet thing," she murmured, brushing her thumb over my gaunt cheek. She looked at Benedikt. "I hope to see this poor creature in much better health the next time I visit."

"Of course," Benedikt said.

Cassandra smiled, her face softer than it had been all night, and seemed ready to say something else before a car horn rang out in the early morning. "Oh - Rebecca! I'm sorry, precious, my ride is here, and she lacks your dear James's patience."

"Many do, to be fair," Benedikt said, and Cassandra chuckled, blew him a kiss, then turned to hurry to the car.

Benedikt watched her for a moment, but Nathan grabbed his free hand and dragged him towards our own car. "Come on, kiddo, time to move."

Nathan opened the rear door for us, and Benedikt ushered me in before sliding in himself. Nathan closed the door, then clambered into the passenger seat. "James. James! Hey, James! Wake up!"

The man at the wheel jerked, shook himself, straightened up. "Huh?"

"Time to _go_ ," Nathan said in a persistent, needling voice. "You're our wheels, buddy, you've gotta get moving, I can't reach the pedals, it's all up to you-"

"Yes, yes, I get it," James said, a bit surly. He looked in the rear view mirror, and I saw dark green eyes peering curiously at me. "I could have sworn I only brought two people here."

"Picked up a stray," Nathan said.

"Hmph." James turned his gaze back to the road. "She looks terrible."

"An opinion I neither wanted nor asked for," Benedikt replied lightly.

"As you say," James said as he started the car.

"It's Jane, right?"

I looked at my new master, startled, then quickly averted my eyes. "Yes, master."

The car coasted through the streets that I hadn't seen since I was a child. Benedikt didn't seem as impressed about it as I felt. "How long did they have you?"

"Eight years, master."

He glanced up to see Nathan staring back at us, and I flinched when I saw the hard look on Nathan's face. "Eight years? How old are you now?"

"Nineteen," I managed before Nathan hissed and whipped around to face forward in his seat. "I - I'm sorry, I-"

Benedikt took a deep breath and didn't look at me. "He's not mad at you, Jane. Don't be sorry."

I didn't speak for the rest of the car ride. James asked Benedikt what else he won in the card game, and was amused to hear that he was a thousand dollars poorer. "You realize the point of cheating is to win, yes?"

"What? No. You'd think someone would have told me. Now I'm just embarrassed."

"Where were you when this one was giving money away, Nathan?" James asked.

Nathan didn't answer, staring out his passenger window with his chin propped up on his hand.

"Nathan?"

"Fuck off," Nathan replied absently.

"Well then," James said, glancing back to raise his eyebrows at Benedikt.

"Nathan, are you still mad about the gambling you away thing? Because that was a bluff."

"What part of 'fuck off' is so goddamn alien to you people?" Nathan demanded. "I'm contemplating shit. Leave me alone."

"I'm just saying. I wouldn't have let them take you."

"Christ!" Nathan shouted, twisting around to snarl at Benedikt. I cringed, frightened by the manic gleam in his blue eyes. "It's not always about you! I've moved on to bigger and better things to brood about!"

Benedikt shrugged. "Just making sure."

"Dickhead," Nathan growled before turning back to brood in silence. I glanced at Benedikt and was shocked to see him trying to contain a smirk.

I stared out the window until the car came to a stop.

"Alright, inside, everyone," James said. Nathan was already climbing out of the car and pulling open the back door. "I'll join you shortly."

"Thank you, James," Benedikt said, stepping out and then holding a hand out to me. I took it eagerly, feeling drunk on the gentleness of his touch, and let him guide me out of the car.

I was able to see a bit of Chasecroft Manor before I was ushered inside, dark and imposing and overlooking the community in the valley. It was so much bigger than Rider and Vanessa's rundown house, and despite the harsh and foreboding exterior of the building I was enchanted.

Benedikt didn't let go of my hand as he brought me inside. I had to consciously keep my grip on him from tightening.

"Do you want to eat? Are you tired?" he asked me. I was completely baffled.

"I - I don't-"

"You should probably eat," he said. "The human servants should be able to get you something. They probably haven't eaten yet..."

"They wouldn't even be up yet," Nathan said, slipping past us towards a spiral staircase that went both above our heads and below our feet. Rider and Vanessa slept in the basement of their house - apparently upper class vampires weren't too different. Nathan hurried downstairs, disappearing from view.

"I don't want to be any trouble," I said, a bit helplessly. I was already too much of a burden on him, already not worth the effort he had spent winning me...

Benedikt scowled, and I ducked my head. "Feeding you isn't trouble, Jane. It's basic care."

"I'm sorry," I managed.

"Don't... you don't have to..." He sighed, reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose. "It's alright. Maybe you can sleep first, and-"

"-and she was just a little kid, and you made it a law that vampires can't have little kids anymore, so what's the deal, Millie? What's the fucking deal?"

Benedikt and I both looked up to see Nathan storming back upstairs, a tall woman with steel-grey hair following him in a much calmer manner. "You know I have no bearing on our customs anymore, Nathan."

"Yeah, but you can do something about it," Nathan said. "Right? You pretend you're a humble seneschal or whatever, but deep down you're still a murder-grandma who does murders."

The woman rolled her eyes. "Were it up to me, we would have found this out sooner and dealt with it harshly."

"... But?"

"But it's not up to me." She turned, nodded at Benedikt in greeting. "Nathan told me you acquired stock. I disapprove of your methods."

"Gambling?" Benedikt asked. "You love gambling, Millecent."

"Not gambling, boy. Lowering yourself to bartering and haggling with your vassals over what they should give to you freely." Millecent's voice was hard and unforgiving. "It can and will be interpreted as weakness. Which you can ill afford."

"And if I just took her, I'd be the half-breed throwing his weight around," Benedikt said, scowling. "There's no right way for me to do _anything_ , remember?"

"If this is some sort of rebellious phase, I'm already tired of it." She turned to me, caught my chin in her hand so she could look at my face from different angles. "Ugh. Malnutrition, neglect... Is that a bruise on her shoulder? Needless abuse. Yes, I would have dealt with this quite harshly. What's your name, girl?"

Her question was sudden and direct, and I barely stammered out my answer. "It - it's Jane."

Her eyes narrowed as she analyzed me. "Jane. I would suggest you sleep before eating. Going to bed on a full stomach causes indigestion in humans, and I dislike the idea of you being subjected to further discomfort."

"I don't want to be any trouble," I said.

"She keeps saying that," Benedikt said. "And apologizing. I don't know how to make her stop."

"I doubt she ever will," Millecent said, letting me go and turning to go back downstairs. Benedikt led me after her, Nathan a ghost on our heels. "She was raised with subservience being her only means of survival. Such habits are difficult to break."

"Just say fuck a lot," Nathan suggested. "Makes you feel way more in control."

"Is that why you do it?" Benedikt asked lightly.

"Don't fucking psychoanalyze me."

"I'll wait up for James to come inside," Millecent said once she reached the foot of the stairs. "I suggest you put her in the guest room closest to yours, Benedikt."

"You don't _have_ to wait up," Benedikt said, even as he led me down a thickly carpeted hallway. Millecent ignored him, standing with one foot on the last step, looking up the stairs.

"Well, I'm gonna go let a single tear roll down my cheek before bed, because I'm troubled in a really cool way," Nathan announced.

"Why do you always have to say weird shit like that?" Benedikt demanded, but Nathan was already walking into a room and slamming the door shut behind him. Benedikt rolled his eyes, and a moment later pushed open another door, flipped a light switch, and led me into a bedroom.

It was as big as Rider and Vanessa's living room. I hesitated at the door, awed by the simple, dark wood furniture and the pristine and unruffled bedclothes. There were no windows, but there were paintings of the outdoors: one a moonsoaked beach, another a misty pine forest at night. "Um... where will I sleep?"

Benedikt looked at me, brow furrowed. "What?"

"Is - is this your room? Should I sleep on the floor?" I asked.

"You - Jane, this is the guest bedroom," he said. He pointed to the bed, which had possibly the cleanest blanket I had ever seen on it. "That's where you sleep."

"I - I'm sorry, I - I get a bed?" I asked.

"Of _course_ you get-" He stopped himself, reached up to rub his face with one hand.

"I'm sorry," I repeated, horrified at making him so distressed.

"It's... fine. You get a bed." He gestured towards it. "Feel free to try it out."

I watched his face, waiting for signs of a trick - I wouldn't _really_ be able to muss up the covers, would I? - but I barely knew him and couldn't find any hints of deceit on his face. Besides, even if I did, what would I do about it?

What the hell.

I hurried over to the bed, clambering onto it and delighting in the softness of the fabric and the way the mattress gave slightly under my weight. It was soft! It was mine! But it couldn't be mine, couldn't possibly... but he said it was mine! I ended up rolling around on top of the covers, burying my face in the plush pillows.

I finally sat up to see Benedikt smiling at me, amused. I flushed, crawled over to the bedpost closest to the door, and used it to prop myself up. "This is amazing! Thank you, master. I love it."

He looked startled, and I chided myself for being too excited, too annoying, but then his expression softened. He nodded, then turned to walk out of the room.

"Get some sleep, Jane. I'll talk to you again at nightfall," he said before closing the door behind him.

As soon as he left, all my stress and excitement seemed to melt away. Was this my first time being in a room of my own? I tried to remember living with my parents - did I have my own room then? Or had I always shared with another person? Had I always slept fitfully, knowing at any moment I could be snatched up and bitten into?

That wasn't happening here. All the vampires were in other rooms, leaving me comfortably out of their reach. Benedikt didn't seem like he'd slip into my room while I slept. And oh, the bed - my bed! - was so soft, so comfortable.

I turned out the lights, crawled under the covers, and slept soundly for the first time in eight years.

x

* * *

 **author's note**

* * *

 _woo! finally finished the first chapter of HMBRedux! very exciting. i hope you enjoyed it! i love comments and constructive criticism so feel free to leave some reviews!_

 _i've also got a tumblr account for this story, (helpmebreathe-redux tumblr com), where i post inspiration pictures, artwork, and updates relating to this story! if you're interested in that, feel free to follow me there!_


	2. Chapter 2

I couldn't wake up.

I had dreamed up an elaborate rescue, a daring escape, and when I woke up it would be gone. I would be in the crawlspace under Rider and Vanessa's house where we all slept to stay far from the sun's reach, waiting for them to wake up and let me out.

I had to stay asleep, had to let Benedikt stay real a little while longer-

Someone was knocking. Nobody ever knocked on the door this early in the evening.

I didn't open my eyes, trying to hold onto sleep, and was startled when my hand clutched a soft, clean pillow.

A door opened. "Jane."

I sat bolt upright, which was stupid because my head would smack into a wooden beam that held the house up from the dirt floor-

I didn't hit anything. I looked around the room, still vast, still clean, still beneath Chasecroft Manor. I turned to stare at the woman at my door, who flinched and swore under her breath before straightening herself up. "Uh… Jane, right?"

"It's real," I said. "It happened."

"Er… yes?" she said.

"I'm here."

"Yes, you are, honey." She seemed to pull herself together. "James sent a few of us down to bring you breakfast."

She turned to speak quietly to someone in the hall. I heard a quiet mutter of 'don't stare at her,' and then she was ushering in a boy and girl who couldn't have been much older than me.

I was almost certain they were the first humans I had seen in eight years. I stared at them as the girl brought in a tray and the boy brought in a pitcher of orange juice. They set the breakfast items on a desk against the wall, then stepped back and looked at the woman in charge. She looked at me expectantly.

"Well?" she asked. "Aren't you hungry? James said you would be."

"Why are you here?" I asked.

"To bring you breakfast," she said slowly, giving me a concerned look.

"No, why - why are you - not dead?" I managed, gesturing at them.

"Christ," the boy said, and the girl elbowed him.

"We're servants here in the manor," the woman said. "I'm Laura, and these are my children, John and Lexa. We - we work here."

"Work here."

"You know. Clean the house, make sure the place is livable. There are others who work the farmland Master Benedikt owns, but I imagine you won't see much of them."

"Farmland," I said.

"Well - yes, the farmland. Where do you think you are?"

I squinted at her, and she squinted back. "I don't know anything about farmland."

She waved me off. "We work, we don't get eaten, Jane. Simple as that. Now come eat your breakfast."

I slid out of bed, and she raised her eyebrows.

"What are you wear-" the boy started before the girl elbowed him again.

"John, don't be rude," Laura snapped.

I looked down at the plain athletic shorts and tank top I wore. It occurred to me that my clothes had a lot more bloodstains than theirs.

John, seeming embarrassed for speaking out of turn twice in a row, pulled the chair away from the desk for me. I peered at him for a moment, then sat down. He pushed the chair in, and I stared down at the meal before me.

"What is it?" I asked.

"What do you mean, what is it?" Laura asked, and when I glanced up at her she seemed insulted. "It's pancakes and sausages and eggs. What's it look like?"

"Never had this before," I said.

"Never-?" She stopped herself, and her expression softened. "It's breakfast, honey. Have at it."

I leaned over to sniff at the meal, and my mouth started watering. I picked up the fork on the tray and drove it into the sausage, which I held up to get a better look at. The smell of it made my stomach growl, and I tentatively took a nibble of it.

The taste exploded on my tongue, and I shoved the rest of it into my mouth, then did the same with the next sausage, and the next, and-

"Whoa, whoa, stop!" Laura exclaimed, grabbing my wrist. "You've got to swallow!"

I yanked my hand away from her, brandished my fork, and she jerked away in surprise.

"Jesus, what's wrong with her?" Lexa exclaimed.

I froze, staring at them, the first humans I had seen in years. They all looked mortified.

I forced the lump of partially-chewed meat down my throat, coughing when I had finally gotten it down. "I… sorry. I'm sorry."

"Just… take it easy," Laura said after a moment. She took the pitcher and poured me a glass of juice. "Here, wash it down with that."

I did as she said, the tang of the juice giving me goosebumps. "It's… really good."

"I'm glad you like it," she said. "Try the eggs."

I obeyed.

"They're my specialty, scrambled with cheese and some green onions - I wasn't sure if you'd want pepper on them-"

"They're good," I said around a mouthful of egg. I took another sip of juice before taking another bite. "Thank you."

"You're quite welcome, honey."

"Sorry for…" I gestured with my fork.

"It - it's okay."

I kept eating as Laura turned to her children. "Go back upstairs."

"But-" Lexa started.

"I said _go back upstairs_."

They cast another look at me, then left. I shoved another sausage into my mouth.

I flinched when Laura gently touched my shoulder, and she pulled her hand back quickly. "Jane, James said once you're done eating I should take you upstairs and get you some… some clean clothes. Alright?"

Another sip of orange juice. "Alright."

"Good." She stepped away, towards my bed, and after a moment I heard fabric rustling. I whipped around to see her straightening up the covers.

"You don't have to do that," I said urgently, half-rising from my seat.

"It's fine, I'm just-"

"You don't have to!"

She paused, watched me warily. After a moment she let the blankets fall back to the mattress. "Okay. Alright."

"I can do it myself," I said.

"You don't have to," she said. "There are maids that come down and-"

"I don't want to be any trouble," I insisted.

"It's not any trouble," she said, keeping her voice gentle. "I'm sure Master Benedikt would prefer the maids do it."

I hesitated, then settled back into my chair. "If… that's what he prefers."

"I'm certain it is," she said, her voice confident. "He wouldn't want you worrying about something silly like that."

Silly. I remembered Vanessa nearly breaking my fingers when I had moved her favorite blanket to the couch instead of leaving it below the house.

Silly, I suppose. I went back to my meal.

"Master Benedikt wants to have a little get-together at the end of the week," Laura said. "Some of the upper class, you know. Wants to show them how much nicer you're treated here. Personally, I don't think you'll be - erm, I'm not sure if a week's long enough to - I mean to say-"

"I look like shit."

"I didn't-"

"You didn't. But I look like shit." Nathan was right. Swearing helped relax my muscles, calmed the anxious buzz in my stomach. I took another drink of juice.

I heard Laura approach, and out of the corner of my eye I saw her rest one hand on the desk. "You look like you've had a very shitty time, yes."

I would have scoffed, but I had scrambled egg in my mouth.

"Do you want my opinion?"

It was a bit bizarre to have somebody ask for permission to tell me something. "Yes?"

"I'd say you're about ninety pounds, soaking wet. I'd say that's about fifty pounds lighter than a girl your age should be. You're covered in scars. You've got bruises that might not be healed up in a week. You won't be looking the way he wants you to look by the time the party's going to happen."

I looked up at her, my heart pounding. I would embarrass him. I would humiliate him. He would send me back. "I - I can look the way he wants. I can do it. I promise."

Laura looked startled, and I felt my eyes start to burn. "Honey, are you - don't cry, I didn't mean-"

"I can do it," I said tearfully. "I can - I don't want to go back. I don't want him to send me back. Please, I can, I can do it, I can look nicer, I-"

She went to her knees, reaching up to swipe my tears off my cheeks. "Oh, honey, don't cry - if you cry, I'll cry, I'm a crier, don't cry."

It is very hard to stop crying after you've started. I hiccuped, clutched at my stomach, tried to hold in the sobs that were threatening to rip their way out of me. It wasn't working.

"Honey, you won't go back, I promise," she said, and as she predicted she was starting to tear up, too. "Don't - look at me, see? Now I'm going, too. Oh, honey, I promise you won't go back."

I was weak, and it was easy for her to pull me into a tight embrace. She stroked my hair, reassured me. It took a while, but my distress passed, and I was left with my face pressed into her tear-stained shoulder with my arms wrapped tightly around her. She was soft, but there was a firmness beneath her skin, and it felt like certainty. I couldn't remember ever hugging someone before.

When were hugs supposed to stop? Her arms loosened, and she had to push a little before I let her go. She pulled a napkin off the tray and started wiping my face clean of snot and tears. "Let's get you cleaned up. Come on, let's go, up…"

Laura pulled me upright, led me to a door across from my bed, opened it to reveal a small bathroom. She led me to the sink and splashed some cool water on my face, wiping it off with a hand towel. "Let me get the shower started, then you wash up. I'll go get something more comfortable for you to wear, alright?"

I nodded, afraid that speaking would trigger another crying jag. She let me go to fiddle with the bathtub, and I sat on the toilet until she got the shower to the right temperature. "There we go. You've got towels here, and I'll be right back with some clothes. Take your time, okay? Wash your hair, soak a little. Relax. Alright?"

"Alright," I said, my voice thick. "Thank you."

Her face was tender, and she pushed a strand of hair out of my face. "You're welcome, honey. I'll be back."

She left, quietly shutting the bathroom door behind her.

My hands were shaking as I pulled off my filthy clothes. I kicked them aside, then gingerly stepped under the water's spray. Warmth washed over me, sank into me, and I had to lean against the wall so I wouldn't fall to my knees. I looked down at myself, my fingers grazing over where my ribs pressed tightly against my skin. Fifty pounds too skinny, she had said. I imagined looking down at a body whose skin wasn't pulled taut, gripping a stomach or thigh and having my fingers press into something soft. I imagined the scars fading.

There were a handful of bottles on a shelf built into the wall, and I ended up smearing myself with everything I could find. I washed my hair three times, scrubbed my skin raw.

By the time I stepped out of the shower, my fingers were pruny and I felt cleaner than I'd ever been in my life. I wrapped myself up in a forest green towel, and stared into the bronze mirror over the sink.

My eyes were bright blue, peering out from shadowed sockets. My cheeks were hollow, making my long face look gaunt and austere. I puffed them up, imagining how they would look full and rosy.

I looked away from the mirror, grabbing another towel to dry my hair. My hair was the only good thing about my appearance, dark and supple. Vanessa had trimmed the ends herself, making sure it didn't get brittle and frizzy. She couldn't do much more than pull it into a ponytail, but at least it was healthy. I glanced into the mirror again, experimenting with my hair pushed back, pulled forward, ineptly braided.

I liked the way it looked all pulled over one shoulder. It softened my face, at least a little. I walked out of the bathroom with it like that, the towel covering me from my armpits to my knees, and saw Laura jotting notes down in a journal at my desk.

She smiled when she saw me. "There - much better! I've got some clothes for you on the end of the bed. I'll step out and let you get dressed, alright?"

"Thank you," I said, looking down to hide my smile.

"You're welcome, honey."

She left, and I went to pull on the clothes. Some black underwear, dark jeans, black shirt, a green sweater, brown slippers. Once I was dressed I opened my door to let Laura back in. Her eyes lit up.

"Oh, Jane, you clean up so nicely. Look at how pretty you are! We can go upstairs and look at some more clothes for you, if you're ready."

"I'm ready," I said, bolstered by her approval.

x

* * *

x

I was not ready.

I stood on a sturdy white ottoman with half a dozen humans fluttering around me, holding up fabric swatches and wrapping measuring tape around every body part they could grab a hold of.

"Skinny. As. A rail," one groused.

"Are you absolutely sure you don't like this pattern?" another asked, desperation in his eyes.

"Stock humans usually have a lot of skin showing, don't they? We can't show her scars, they're just…"

"Maybe some layering over the chest? Make her look a bit, ah, fuller?"

One of them was holding two different pairs of shoes up to me, not saying anything, just gauging my reaction. Every time my eyes lingered on one, she would raise her eyebrows and lift it a bit higher, showing me a different angle. My eyes would stray to the other, and the pattern would repeat. After a few minutes of this, she nodded. "Ballet flats. I totally agree."

"I've got it! I've got it," one announced to the room, snatching up a sketchbook and scribbling furiously. "Sheath dress. Mandarin collar. Sleeveless. Floor length. Forest green. Over it - sheer black jacket, form-fitted, long sleeves, gold beads embroidered on it."

There was a long silence.

"Tom, you beautiful son of a bitch," one finally said, awestruck.

They all pounced on me with renewed vigor, more fabric swatches, more measurements.

I looked up to see Nathan standing in the open doorway, watching silently. I opened my mouth, then closed it again, uncertain. Should I greet him? Should I ignore him? I was in uncharted waters, not knowing how to properly stay afloat.

Fortunately, Nathan made the decision for me.

"The master needs to see her now," he said. The humans all nearly jumped out of their skins, then hurried to help me down and get out of my way.

I quickly went to Nathan's side, and he nodded to the silent group before turning and walking towards the main entryway. I followed silently.

"Benedikt's office is downstairs," Nathan said as he led me to the staircase. "The humans stay on the upper levels, usually. Do you want a tour of the warren?"

"Doesn't Master Benedikt need to see me?" I asked.

"Nah, you just looked tired. Thought I'd give you a break," he said lightly. "Tour?"

We were already going down the stairs, but I paused. "Should I… stay with the tailors? Don't they need to…"

"They've measured every inch of you at least seven hundred thousand times, haven't they?" he asked. "They've got what they need, I think."

He gave me a scrutinizing look. "Unless you want to stay with them. Quality human time."

"But it can't be floor-length because then you can't see the _shoes_!" came a sudden screech from upstairs. There was a crashing noise, then persistent arguing. I cringed.

"We have fun here," Nathan said, deadpan.

"A little break wouldn't hurt," I said, and Nathan gave me a sunny smile.

"That's what I'm saying! Come on, let's explore the shit out of this place."

We reached the bottom of the stairs, and Nathan pointed to a painting hanging over the doorway that led deeper beneath the house. It looked like a green horn on a shield of gold spots on a black background. "Chasecroft crest. Hunting horn on pean. Very classy. Somewhere around here is a book with all sorts of vampire family heraldry."

He laughed, shaking his head. "'Somewhere around here.' As if Benedikt doesn't keep it under his pillow or some shit."

"Why would he do that?" I asked as he guided me down - to the right, not down the middle towards my room.

"Huh? Oh, the boy's always trying to learn about family lines and shit. Like it matters. I mean, I guess I shouldn't say that. I'm probably the only one who doesn't actually think it matters." His face twisted with disdain. "Your great great grandsire doesn't mean shit when I'm ripping your heart out through your ass."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Do you… do that often?" I asked. He scoffed.

"Not as often as I'd like."

"Oh."

"Yeah, the boy's always tellin' me not to kill people. Always bitching about thinking things through and being political. It's boring. Jane, it's so boring. Jane. Fucking. _Boring_."

"I see."

"I just think it would be in the master's best interest to put off the party for a while longer," I heard Laura say from further down the hall.

Nathan went still, then pressed himself against the wall, gesturing for me to do the same. We crept forward.

"And you think you're the best judge of that because…?" James said. His voice was low, but unemotional.

"Well, I wouldn't say I'm the best judge," Laura said quickly. "I just think - the girl needs more time to regain her health. If he wants to show her off, wouldn't it be wise to make sure she's in better condition?"

Silence. Nathan caught my eye, gestured to a floor board in front of him, and deliberately stepped over it. I followed his lead, and we inched closer to an open door.

"It's just my opinion, sir."

"Your opinion is noted. That will be all."

Footsteps. Nathan flailed, grabbed the first door handle he could find, and dragged me into a dark room.

We both leaned against the door, our ears pressed to the wood, as the footsteps passed. Nathan relaxed and shot me a grin.

"Snooping again, Nathan?"

I jerked, turning and slamming my back against the door. Nathan turned to give the speaker an exasperated look. "Scaring the shit out of me again, Millie?"

Millecent stood before us, backlit by a lamp on her desk. Her face was as gaunt as mine, thin lines making her look as if she'd been carved from stone. "It's the little things that make life worth living."

"Of course," Nathan said, rolling his eyes.

She turned to me, her grey eyes raking up and down my body. "You look much improved already, Jane."

"Th-thank you," I stammered. "I… feel much improved."

She nodded, a quick jerk of her head, then turned and walked back to her desk. "What is she doing down here, Nathan?"

"We're taking a tour," he said lightly, holding his arms up and pulling himself onto his toes with a full body stretch.

"And snooping." She sat down in a high-backed chair, picking up a pen and examining some papers.

"The snooping was incidental," Nathan said, approaching the desk. I followed him, and sat when he gestured to a much humbler chair in front of the desk. "Not intentional."

"You always say that," she said, making a note on the page in front of her. "And yet you never seem to learn from your mistakes."

"That would imply I regret them! And I, notoriously, regret nothing."

I found myself looking around the room as they spoke. The walls were lined with shelves, books interspersed with human skulls with crystals wedged in their mouths.

"So it would seem."

On the wall behind Millecent's desk was a massive sword, mounted with great care. The fabrics of the rugs and chair cushions were a deep purple, rather than the dark green I had seen throughout the rest of Chasecroft Manor.

"What are you working on?" Nathan asked, leaning forward and tilting his head to see Millecent's paperwork.

"Benedikt's guest list," she replied. "I find it far too... _friendly_."

"The guest list… is too friendly."

"Most things are," she said tersely. "He has invited too many people. I dislike the idea of so many in our home."

"You realize that's the point of a party, right?"

"A party should be no more than five people and their respective guards."

"See, that - that's why you're not in charge of parties." Nathan leaned back in his chair, scowling. "How many people did he invite?"

Millecent scoffed. "Fifteen!"

"That's not a party! That's a get-together, at best."

"It's too much. It's unnecessary." She leaned back in her seat, fingers clawlike on the ends of her armrests. "Especially for this feeble show of power. They will be expecting more than some waif he picked up in a game of cards."

"So… what, we add in some violence? I can do that." He gave her an urgent look, eyes widened and head tilted forward. "Please let me do that."

She hummed, picking up the page to examine it. "That could shorten the guest list immensely…"

"That's what I'm-" Nathan started before there was a knock at the door.

"Enter," Millecent said.

" _Enter_ ," Nathan echoed, in a sinister voice. The door opened, footsteps approached, and Nathan leaned against my chair. "Millie, you should get a cat. Like a fluffy white cat, to pet when people come to see you."

Millecent raised an eyebrow.

"It would really add to your supervillain mystique," Nathan insisted as James came to stand on the other side of my chair.

"It has come to my attention that the girl will need more time to recover," James said. He glanced down at me, impassive, and I quickly looked away. "As it stands, her condition is… not worthy of a party."

"Rude," Nathan muttered.

"I agree," Millecent said. "However, his enthusiasm seems to be unchecked by my logic."

"Christ, he's _excited_ about something?" Nathan asked, clapping his hands to his cheeks and widening his eyes in nearly comical distress. "How could we have let this happen!?"

"How could _you_ have let this happen," Millecent corrected, her voice cool and disapproving.

"It's almost like I like him being happy," Nathan said, his hands dropping to his hips and his eyes narrowing. "Fucking sue me."

"I value his safety over his happiness," Millecent said. She crumpled up the guest list in one hand, tossing it into a wastebasket.

"He can't be happy when he's dead," James agreed.

"We manage just fine," Nathan snapped. "And what the fuck is a party going to do to him? Between the three of us, nobody's going to actually have a chance to hurt him."

"Your blind need to support his every reckless action does you no credit," Millecent shot back, her upper lip curling. "Your attitude is not in his best interests."

Nathan bristled, and James cut in. "What Millecent means is that we are in a tense situation. Benedikt isn't like us. He has to work within the bounds of propriety, or risk losing the respect of very powerful vampires."

"Half-breeds must be rarely seen and never heard," Nathan said in a nasally voice, mocking something he must have heard hundreds of times before. "That would make sense if there was another vampire member of the Chasecroft family to run the manor. But there isn't, so he can't just sit around and look pretty the way you want him to."

"He can't just-"

"Step the fuck up? Yes! He can! You just keep telling him he can't!" Nathan snapped. "You are the worst parents ever."

"We are _not_ his parents," James snarled. I flinched away. When I glanced up I saw him reach up to pinch the bridge of his nose, trying to control his sudden flash of temper. "We… are not his parents. But we are sworn to his protection. Regardless of what you think, we want what is best for him. He's spent his life building ties with these people, and we won't let him throw it all away on a whim."

"He listens to you, Nathan," Millecent said. Her voice was much calmer now, her expression earnest. "If you tell him our concerns, he may see reason. If you care for him at all, you would at least try to speak to him."

I watched Nathan from the corner of my eye, saw his jaw clench and his fingers twitch as if he wanted to tear at something. After a moment, he turned and walked to the door. "Fine. No promises."

He slammed the door shut behind him before I could even go to stand. I looked at Millecent, uncertain. She sighed heavily, leaning back in her chair. "I don't suppose this is going to work."

"I shouldn't think so," James agreed softly. He looked down to me again. "You mentioned she was acquired at an early age."

"Oh, yes," she said, staring up at the ceiling. She bared her teeth. "Highly illegal."

"Perhaps her previous owners can be brought to the party," he suggested. "Made an example of."

"I considered it." She considered me. "These soft fools would protest. The fact that she wasn't turned as a child could be considered a loophole."

"I'm sorry," I said. "I don't understand how I'm… illegal."

Millecent raised her eyebrows, but didn't shut me down. "You aren't illegal yourself, girl. Owning human children, however, is a grave crime… or would be, if the laws were enforced properly."

"I still don't…" I stopped myself, not wanting to step out of place.

"You know what Nathan is, yes?" James asked, turning to face me as he leaned against Millecent's desk.

"A… vampire?" I guessed. His lips twitched into a small smile.

"Yes. A vampireling, to be precise, someone who was turned into a vampire as a child. Throughout history, vampirelings have been abused and mistreated, typically in the form of child rings. They were made to fight, usually to the death."

"I destroyed the child rings, later in my reign," Millecent said. "Made turning children illegal, as I considered it to be unnecessary cruelty."

"Your reign?" I asked. Her left eye twitched. "I'm sorry."

"No need," she said, a bit stiff. "You understand vampires are led by a monarch, on the Bloodsoaked Throne."

"I heard that there was a queen," I said slowly.

"Yes," Millecent said. "Until I was overthrown, I was queen. I held our people in check and maintained our population to the best of my ability. With James as my loyal right hand, of course."

James dipped his head, his humility betrayed by the wry smile on his face.

"Why were you overthrown?" I asked. "I mean - I shouldn't-"

"An interest in history is a favorable quality," she said. "But I see no reason, at this time, to share my own history with you."

I ducked my head. "I'm sorry."

"You are forgiven." She stood from her chair. "Can you read, Jane?"

"A - a little. My lady."

"Hm." She went to one of the shelves, her long fingers grazing over the spines of old books. After a moment she pulled one down, then turned and held it out to me. "Literacy is also a favorable quality."

I took the book with trembling fingers. There was no title on the worn black cover, and it was heavy in my hands. "Thank you."

"Do you know your way back to your room?" she asked. "I'm sure you've had enough excitement for one day."

"Yes, my lady, I think so," I said.

"Very well. You are dismissed." She returned to her seat, not sparing me another look. I stood, ducking my head before walking to the door.

"Jane," James said, and I stopped, turning to face him.

His head was tilted, as if he was examining me. "What do you think of Master Benedikt?"

I looked down at the book in my hands, as if it would have answers. When I looked back at him, my voice was firm. "He saved me."

James looked at Millecent, who examined her paperwork as she spoke.

"Stock humans have been known to strike up a certain degree of… fellowship… with their masters. Perhaps you will have more influence over Benedikt than the rest of us." She looked up from her work, her eyes keen. "You would use that influence wisely, wouldn't you, Jane?"

The idea of having any sort of influence was baffling. Frightening.

Very, very interesting.

"Of course," I said. "He saved me. I want what's best for him."

A small smile twisted her thin lips. "That will be all, Jane."

I closed the door softly behind me, then ran to my room. I was winded by the time I reached it, closing my door and laying the book open on my desk.

The first page had a long, fumbling title. ' _Common Sanguinarian Law as decreed by Her Majesty and Her Majesty's Justiciars, 1482_.'

I turned the page, and started to read.

x

* * *

 **author's note**

* * *

 _nearly 5k words! it only took me a month to write them... sorry about that. i'm dealing with some irl stuff rn. the next chapter will be the actual party!_

 _anyway, let me know what you think so far! thanks for reading 333_


	3. Chapter 3

The tailors were not happy with the amount of weight I had gained in a week.

"You look great," Clara said through her teeth as she ripped out some seams on my dress. "You just look. So great."

A few of them echoed the sentiment as they furiously stitched the jacket up to account for the three new pounds.

"The shoes still fit," Lola said smugly, and yelped when another pinched her arm. "Fuck you, Clara!"

It didn't take much time to make the dress fit, no matter how passive-aggressive they acted about it. I stared at myself in the long bronze mirror, at the ethereal figure I seemed to become under their careful ministrations. The silky green dress hung to my ankles, showing the delicate black straps of my shoes, and the jacket made me glitter in the light. My hair was put in what Lola called a fishtail braid, interspersed with glittering beads.

I was the ideal human, bound up in Chasecroft colors. A far cry from the scrawny, trembling creature that had left Rider and Vanessa's home the week before.

"Thank you," I said softly.

"You're welcome," Clara said in an absent voice, reaching out to fiddle with my sleeve.

"You look lovely, Jane," Tim said.

They didn't really understand what this meant to me, what it meant to be polished when I had spent my whole life sleeping on a dirt floor and living in filth. That was alright. They didn't need to know.

"James should be here soon to bring you downstairs," Clara said. "Let me touch up your eyeliner before you go, alright?"

I let her decorate my face, and when I looked in the mirror again I had small gold lines at the outer corners of my eyes.

"Can't go wrong with a nice wing," she said smugly as James appeared at the door.

"Is she ready?" he asked as I turned to him. His eyebrows twitched upwards slightly before he could school his expression. "I suppose so. You look good, Jane."

"Thank you," I said, a bit breathless with pride. I gestured to the tailors, all quiet behind me. "They did a great job."

"So it seems." He glanced at them with a nod. "Your work is appreciated."

They all ducked their heads, managing some quiet thanks.

James held his hand out to me, and I hurried to take it. He tucked my arm in his and led me downstairs. "Did you like the tailors? If you're dissatisfied, we can hire others in the future."

"No, no," I said quickly. "They're perfect. And I-"

"Don't want to be any trouble. Of course, Jane." He went quiet. His jacket was soft and worn against my skin, and he wore a dark purple shirt underneath it. His black tie was loose and his reddish brown curls were tied back out of his face.

"You look nice, too," I said, and he looked down at me with a raised eyebrow. His hazel green eyes stood out against his dark skin, making them intense and piercing. I quickly looked down at my shoes, the toes peeking out beneath my dress with every step I took.

"Thank you, Jane," he said. "You're very kind."

We went to the left, which tilted downwards further beneath the manor. There were fewer doors down this hall, and at the end of it was another staircase going down. This led to a small foyer with two other doors opposing each other. One, I knew, led to the Underground, a warren of caves and tunnels that stretched across the country, used by vampires for easy travel night and day. The other led to the ballroom.

Millecent had informed me that it was not, in fact, a traditional ballroom - more in line with what she called a long gallery, though a bit more spacious. The distinction was lost on me.

Benedikt was standing at the door, and I ducked my head as James and I approached. This was the first time I had seen him since he had brought me to Chasecroft, and I was unsure of how to act. His hair was, as before, pushed back, though a loose strand hung over his forehead. He was wearing a black suit with two rows of gold buttons down the front, a forest green tie standing out against his black dress shirt. Chasecroft colors, of course - I had been dressed to match him.

I noticed Nathan was leaning against the doorway with his arms crossed over his narrow chest, inconspicuous and discreet. His outfit was much less refined than Benedikt's, a rumpled green dress shirt partially untucked over black jeans. I also saw that there was a thin black tie hanging out of his back pocket, clearly torn off at his earliest opportunity.

"Where's your jacket?" James asked him before either of them could speak.

"Burning in hell," Nathan replied, straightening up and putting his hands on his hips. "You look great, Jane."

"Thank you," I said, glancing shyly up at Benedikt. "And you look - very handsome, master."

Benedikt looked a bit surprised, but smiled. "You're very kind."

"Don't lie to him," Nathan cut in. "He looks so damn pretentious. I want to kick his ass."

"We can't all go through life in an eighty year old hoodie," Benedikt replied, tilting his head to give Nathan a critical look.

"Which is the greatest tragedy on Earth," Nathan said dismissively. "That hoodie has been through some shit, Benedikt. It has seen empires rise and fall."

There was a clicking of bootheels, and Millecent swept past us into the ballroom. From the brief glance I got her dress was simpler than mine, a plain black jacket over a long black skirt that barely hid her simple leather riding boots. "Let's get this over with."

"Good attitude," Nathan said. "Keep it up."

James released me and followed after Millecent. I felt awkward without his arm to support me, and I shot a glance at Benedikt. Should I lean on him? Should I ask? He looked back at me, then tilted his head. "Jane?"

"I - don't know what to do with my hands," I stammered. I wasn't sure how to explain further - James took my arm and guided me, I could walk on my own but there were vampires on the other side of the door and I was-

"Don't look so scared, kid," Nathan said. "Just keep them at your sides. I'm going in, then Benedikt with you behind him. Okay?"

"Okay," I said, clenching my hands into fists. "I'm ready."

Nathan cracked his neck and shook out his arms. "Alright. Let's do this shit."

"Everyone here is so festive," Benedikt said lightly.

"Fuck you," Nathan said before leading us forward.

The ballroom was long and furnished with a handful of finely made chairs and couches, the walls decorated with fine paintings and the moldings printed with gold leaf. I kept myself close to Benedikt's heels, trying not to gawk at my surroundings.

The guests had already assembled, finely-dressed vampires mingling while they waited for their host to arrive. They dipped their heads as we passed, though I could see a few keen eyes peering up at us through the subservient pose. A few of them had glasses in their hands, dark red blood shining through the faceted cups.

Nathan led us to the end of the room where James and Millecent were already waiting by an ornate couch with dark green cushions. They seemed completely uninterested in their surroundings, standing tall and unaffected. We came to a stop in front of them, and James gave me a look and held his hand out to his side. I went to him quickly, facing forward, and when I glanced up at him he gave me an approving nod. I straightened myself up and watched as Benedikt turned to face the room.

Rider and Vanessa's friends had always been bitter and snide when they talked about him, and I knew that the vampires around us now chafed at the idea of being led by a half-breed. Yet his posture was strong and proud, unperturbed by everyone's eyes on him, unthreatened by their barely-checked resentment.

Benedikt's voice was warm when he spoke, almost cheerful. "Good evening to you all - I'm honored to have you here as guests in my home."

One of the guests raised his glass and ducked his head. "And we are all happy to be here, Master Chasecroft."

The tension in the room abated as the guests murmured their agreement. Many returned to their previous conversations, though a woman with fiery red hair and a shining gold dress approached us. It only took me a moment to recognize her as she smiled at Benedikt before striding directly to me.

She swept forward to take my face in her hands. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Nathan lean forward, ready to intervene, but Cassandra's smile was radiant and her touch was gentle. "Oh, you sweet thing. You already look so much better."

I tried to match Benedikt's friendly tone. "Thank you. You look beautiful, Lady Cassandra."

She pressed one hand to her chest, delighted. "Oh, and you're so charming, too! It was Jane, yes?"

"Yes, Lady Cassandra."

"Jane." She gave my cheek a light pinch before she pulled her hands away from me completely, clasping them in front of herself. "It brings me joy to see you in such good health, sweet thing."

Unsure of what to say, I looked down at my own hands, fingers woven tightly together over my stomach.

Cassandra's gaze moved to Benedikt, and she took half a step closer to him. "Well, precious, I am certainly impressed!"

"I told you she'd be better next time you saw her," he said, obviously pleased by her compliments.

"And I had absolute faith in you," she replied. Her eyes were soft. "And yet you still manage to impress me."

Benedikt looked away, pressing his lips together to hide his smile.

After a moment Cassandra turned and dipped down into a bow before Millecent. "Your highness, it's always a pleasure to see you."

"Lady Cassandra, you are a bright girl," Millecent said, her voice chilly. "You should know better than to address me so."

Cassandra looked up with a radiant smile, still bent at the waist. "I'm honored you think I'm bright, your highness."

James chuckled as Millecent let out a heavy sigh. Cassandra straightened up, looking quite pleased with herself.

Nathan, apparently unable to contain himself any longer, threw his hands up into the air. "And me! I am also here!"

Cassandra looked down at him, a bit startled but still smiling. "Ah! Good evening, Nathan! It's good to see you, as well."

"Thank you," Nathan said, looking incredibly pleased. He leaned over to look up at me seriously. "I need attention or I will die."

"Oh," I said. "That's… too bad."

"Ugh, speaking of _attention_ ," Cassandra said, suddenly looking very put upon. She touched Benedikt's arm, rolling her eyes. "You will not believe what happened to me the other night..."

"Tell me," he said, and Cassandra immediately launched into a furious but well-composed story. I didn't bother trying to pay attention - it was a petty squabble between some lesser nobility, and Cassandra seemed to be telling it for the sake of a ridiculous tale rather than to voice an actual complaint. I followed the cadence of her voice, though, the way her tone rose and fell like a song. I wondered if she had practiced this performance, or if it was her nature to make trite gossip into a compelling rhythm.

Cassandra and Benedikt ended up sitting on the ornate couch, deep in conversation. My feet were starting to hurt, but nobody had told me to sit. I shifted my weight, anxiety seeping into my chest. I glanced at James, but he and Millecent were speaking in low tones, paying no attention to me. Nathan was sitting on the floor with his back resting against one of Benedikt's legs, watching the room with unchecked distaste. I pressed my lips together and straightened my back, trying not to think about the discomfort inching up my legs.

"Precious," Cassandra said, disrupting the flow of her story. "Your human has been standing an awfully long time - I'm quite impressed."

She didn't sound impressed. When I glanced over, her eyebrows were raised and her eyes were flickering between Benedikt and me, as if trying to get him to look at me.

He did, and I tried to keep from shuffling my feet. Understanding flashed across his features. "Ah, she has. Sit, Jane - I don't want your feet getting sore."

He patted the couch beside him, and I eagerly sat as Cassandra complimented him on how attentive he was. The silk skirt of my dress brushed against Benedikt's thigh, and I quickly snatched it up. It flowed beautifully when I walked, but sitting down it spread like spilled water. I carefully smoothed it down along my legs, making sure it didn't take up too much space.

"She does look lovely, precious," Cassandra added. "Vulnerable but covered up. So tantalizing! If only everyone dressed their humans with such class."

When I looked up I saw Benedikt's smile was a bit tighter, and his voice was a bit stiffer when he spoke. "You're very kind."

Cassandra didn't immediately respond, searching his face. Her own voice was careful. "I can be... very kind when I care to be."

The tension was broken by a low bell ringing distantly. Nathan looked up sharply, and Millecent looked down at Benedikt.

"Are all your _guests_ not already here?" she asked.

"They are," he said uncertainly.

"Then who would be at the door?" she pressed, her voice venomous.

"Magazine salesman," Nathan suggested, standing up and dusting off his pants as Millecent scoffed. "I'll check it out."

With that he trotted out. James sauntered over to the couch, leaning against it with his eyes on the door. The murmuring of the guests was quieter now, curious eyes flicking between Benedikt and the door.

The lull was broken by Nathan's voice shouting "What the _fuck_ , though!"

Benedikt and Cassandra stood, and I gripped the fabric at my knees in tight fists. James and Millecent both stepped forward, ready to act at a moment's notice.

Nathan appeared at the door again, looking disgruntled. He walked back to Benedikt, gesturing wildly as he ranted. "Oh my god. Oh my god, you guys will not believe the bullshit I just witnessed with my eyes. The fucking Lazarus-level resurrection I just saw."

"So charming," came a cheerful voice, and a pair of vampires followed Nathan into the room. The taller one was pale with bright red hair that fell into his eyes, and the smaller one was dark with black hair tied up in a complicated, braided bun. The red-haired vampire wore simple jeans and a grey t-shirt, but the dark-haired vampire was wearing undeniably Chasecroft colors, a golden yellow jacket over a black dress with forest green boots.

I stood at Benedikt's side, trying to figure out how to react properly to the situation. He looked - stiff, unhappy. The pair approached, and the smaller vampire's dark eyes flicked to me before returning the Benedikt.

"Little brother," she greeted, her expression soft and warm.

"I'm not your brother," Benedikt said, his own expression much colder. Her face crumpled and she pulled back slightly.

"Um? Ouch?"

I shot Benedikt a bewildered look, which he saw out of the corner of his eye. He gestured stiffly towards the woman. "This is Jordan. My father turned her into a vampire. We're not actually siblings."

"Still hurts," Jordan said. She put on a dazzling smile. "Have you heard from Augustine lately? Your actual sibling? Since I don't count apparently, haha, fake laugh to hide the pain."

"No," Benedikt said tersely. I deliberately smoothed out my expression and faced forward again, trying to match his austerity.

Jordan looked baffled by his curtness, and blindly reached back to pull her companion forward, wrapping her arm around his. "I suppose that's… to be expected. But this, um, this is Ashton! I wanted you to meet him."

"Benedikt," Ashton said with a friendly smile. "I've heard so much about you."

"Really?" Benedikt asked. His smile was brittle and didn't reach his eyes. "I've heard nothing about you."

"I told you when I met him," Jordan said, her eyebrows lowered in a disapproving look. "I sent you a letter."

"Oh, _yes_ , the _letter_. As I recall: met a hottie, hopefully down to fuck, p.s., can I borrow some money?" Benedikt said.

"At least thirty percent of that was said in jest," Jordan insisted. Her arm tightened around Ashton's. "Not the first part, though, obviously."

"Obviously," Benedikt echoed.

"About time an _actual_ Chasecroft showed up," someone said in a stage whisper. There was a brief wave of laughter, cut short when Benedikt's head snapped up to look for the speaker. I followed his gaze to a smiling man with short brown hair, and couldn't keep the grimace off my face. I had to work hard to get my expression under control, consciously smoothing my brow and twisted mouth.

The vampire looked at Benedikt like he was a bug he wouldn't condescend to crush. He turned to Jordan, then, a cheerful smile on his face. "You _are_ here for that purpose, aren't you, my lady? To let us move on from this… _embarrassment_ … and go forward."

Jordan watched Benedikt's face for a long moment, then turned her head slightly - not enough to face the speaker, but enough to speak to him. "Who are you?"

"Gerard Thomas, my lady, at your service," he said.

"Gerard Thomas," Jordan replied, tasting the name in her mouth. "Fuck off."

He looked startled, his shoulders raising instinctively. "My lady?"

Jordan's arm tightened around Ashton's, facing forward again. Her expression was stony, but her tone was light. "I said _fuck off_. Are you deaf?"

"I don't understand," Gerard insisted, obviously perplexed. "You have come here to take Chasecroft from this half-breed, didn't you?"

Benedikt was still standing tall, but his face was... disappointed. Defeated. _Tired_. He didn't speak, even when Nathan glanced up at him for direction. The vampireling looked urgent, trying to will Benedikt to say something - either to give him an order or to defend himself, I wasn't sure. Benedikt didn't look at him.

The moment of silence was broken by Millecent's scoff. "Such half-hearted sedition. Nathan, deal with this."

Nathan lunged, yanked Gerard off balance, and the vampire let out a shout as he landed on his back. Nathan straddled his chest, pulled something off his belt, and-

I managed not to scream as Nathan plunged a knife into Gerard's chest, as the blade fell again and again, as Gerard shrieked and gurgled... but I did recoil. Cassandra caught me, turned me so I could hide my eyes against her shoulder. This didn't shield me from the noises, however.

After a few moments the screaming stopped, and then so did the thick, wet sounds of the knife.

I turned my head slightly, watched as Nathan bounced to his feet and licked blood off his hands. Jordan gave Benedikt an unhappy look, but he ignored her.

He looked out at his guests, his expression carefully neutral. "Thank you all for coming. The party is over."

The group dispersed quickly, murmuring as they eyed Gerard Thomas's corpse. Cassandra let me go and reached out to Benedikt, and he stiffened under her touch. "I can stay, precious."

"That would be unwise," he said tersely, and Cassandra's hand jerked away from him. For a moment she looked hurt, but she gave him a tight smile.

"Of course. Thank you for the invitation, Master Benedikt."

She was the last guest to leave, and I noticed her pause at the door. She shifted slightly, as if she wanted to look back, but then she straightened up and walked out.

Jordan and Ashton remained, staring down at the mutilated body. Jordan ran her hand over her face, sighing heavily.

"So, not the worst party I've ever been to," Nathan said lightly, still sucking blood from between his fingers.

"Certainly," James agreed.

"I can only hope you learn from this, Benedikt," Millecent said. Her voice was smug, and she gave Benedikt a knowing look. "Perhaps next time you will trust my judgement."

"Oh, your _judgement_?" he demanded, turning to snarl at her. I flinched at the hard edge to his voice. "What, you knew the prodigal daughter would return to ruin my night?"

Jordan looked up sharply. "I didn't mean for this to happen!"

"Of _course_ you didn't! Because you never think about the consequences of your actions!" Benedikt spat. My hands twisted together anxiously.

"I didn't even know you were having a party - I came to visit," Jordan said, trying very hard to keep her voice calm. Ashton rested his hand on the small of her back, and that seemed to fortify her. "I came to see you."

"After fifteen years, you came to see me." Benedikt barked out a laugh. His eyes were manic, and he raked a hand through his hair. "I suppose you were just in the neighborhood."

"I don't want to fight with you."

"What do you want, then?"

"You're frightening Jane," James cut in quietly, and Benedikt glanced down at me. I couldn't hide the miserable expression on my face, the way my fingers were woven tightly together and my shoulders hunched as if to protect myself from a blow.

Benedikt closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He let it out slowly, then looked at Jordan. He was stiff, but the fury was set aside for now. "We'll talk about this later."

Jordan gave him a weak smile. "I would like that."

"Millecent," Benedikt said.

"I'll have this mess cleaned up," Millecent said. "And see to it that Jordan and her companion have a room, if you like."

"I would. I'm going to my room. Come, Jane."

I followed after him as he stalked out, careful not to look at the body as we left the ballroom.

What was I supposed to say? Should I say anything? Benedikt didn't look at me. When Rider or Vanessa were angry I knew that they would lash out, but my new master was an enigma.

I should have known that living with aristocrats would be complicated. I had been blinded by their measured words, by the dresses and the food they gave me. By that - by that _damned book_ Millecent had given me. I was an idiot.

"Why are you crying?"

I looked up, startled, then reached up to touch my face. My fingertips came away wet. "I - I'm sorry, master."

Benedikt did not look satisfied with that answer. "I didn't ask for an apology."

"I…" I wiped at my eyes, but all that did was smear my makeup. I stared mournfully down at the gold eyeliner that was now smudged across my hand. He didn't seem angry at me, but when had that ever mattered?

And really, it would be easy for him to be mad at me. The party he had thrown to celebrate finding me was ruined. If he hadn't taken me, he wouldn't have thrown the party at all, and he wouldn't have been questioned, and -

He wouldn't have been publicly embarrassed if it wasn't for me.

"Jane-"

"I'm sorry this happened," I said, my voice thick with tears. "It's my fault, but I - I didn't want this to happen."

"Your fault?" I looked up at him, and he looked completely baffled. "How is this your fault?"

My gut twisted with apprehension. Rider and Vanessa would have been blaming me by now. Did he - did he want me to say it? Admit my guilt? I looked back down to my hands, unable to meet his eyes.

I worked very hard to speak clearly, to keep the tears from choking me. "You did this to show me off - if you hadn't t-taken me, this wouldn't have happened. I'm - I'm so sorry."

Silence. Then-

"Oh, Christ," Benedikt finally said, and I looked up at him again. He gave me a crooked smile, and I realized for the first time that his canines were longer, sharper than I had thought. "I think you might actually be crazier than me."

"I - I don't-"

"Come on," he said, guiding me into my room. His arm was around my shoulders, and I couldn't keep myself from pressing up against his chest. He wasn't hitting, he wasn't hurting, he was- "Let's wash your face, alright?"

I nodded sharply, squeezing my eyes shut to stop the flow of tears. When I opened them we were in my bathroom, and Benedikt released me to pick up a washcloth and run it under cold water. I watched as he carefully soaked it, wrung it out, then turned to wipe gingerly at my face. His ministrations were gentle, unhurried, and soon enough my face was clean and cool. I stared up at him, entranced by his attention.

Benedikt flicked the washcloth into the sink and set to undoing my braid, carefully removing the beads and setting them aside. Once that was done he led me back into my room. He sat me down on my bed, and to my utter horror he knelt down in front of me and reached for my foot. "What are - you don't have to-"

"I'm sorry for scaring you, Jane," he said, unlacing first one shoe, then the other. He pulled them off and set them aside. His palm was pressed to my bare ankle, and my toes curled. "That was unnecessary."

" _This_ is unnecessary," I insisted. He looked up at me, and there was - there was no anger on his face, no frustration.

"I'm sorry," he said again. "I'll stop, if you prefer."

Was this why Cassandra fawned over him so much? This care, this patience - was this why she pushed the bounds of propriety for him, why she treated him with such kindness and respect despite the nature of his birth?

"I don't want to be any trouble," I told him earnestly.

Millecent's book had a whole chapter on the function of dhampir in vampire society, defining their purpose as silent pawns in a greater game. Rarely seen and never heard, the book said.

"It's no trouble, Jane," he said gently.

Dhampir married each other to broker alliances between their families, they played music and learned to dance and perfected art to entertain them. They did not voice opinions, or preferences. They did not run businesses and lead empires.

The thought came to me, sudden and certain, that I would happily die for Benedikt Chasecroft. It was unreasonable, of course, ridiculous - but as he stood up and brought me my pajamas, I realized that it was absolutely true. The gentleness of his face, the kindness of his actions, that made it true. I was small and weak, but I would protect him with every ounce of strength I had.

"Thank you," I said softly as I took the clothes from him, willing him to understand that the next time someone questioned him I would tear their throat out with my teeth.

"You're very welcome," he said, not seeming to get it. That was alright, I decided. He didn't need to know. "And… thank you, Jane. For letting me fuss over you."

He looked sheepish, reaching up to push his hair back. "It makes me feel better. Nathan's usually the only one who lets me fuss."

I wasn't sure what to say to that. I stood up and tried to shimmy out of my dress, and Benedikt jerked his head to look away from me. "Ah, I can… I'll-"

"You can stay! Just, just give me a-" There! Free! I quickly yanked my pajamas on before dropping back onto the bed. Benedikt kept his eyes averted, but when I looked up I could see the barely-checked smile on his face. "There!"

He looked back at me, his smile fading. "Jane."

"Master?"

He walked back, kneeling in front of me again as he took my hand. "Would you mind - can I-"

He made a frustrated noise, looking up at me from under his lashes. I was struck by the glimmer of his eyes, the way his lips were parted. "I know you're still healing - I shouldn't - I'm very thirsty, Jane."

"You - oh! Of course!" I bared my wrist to him, feeling breathless. "Of course, you don't have to ask, of course you can."

His brow furrowed. "Did Rider and Vanessa not - of course they didn't. You can say no, Jane - and I'll always ask. I promise, I'll always ask."

 _You can say no._

My mouth was dry, but I forced myself to speak. "You can."

He smiled up at me, and that was… radiant. I barely noticed the blade in his hand, the pinch, the blood welling to the surface before his lips were on my skin. I should have been used to that sensation, the suction, the wet feel of his tongue gliding over my pulse, but I was still dazed as it happened. I leaned forward, my free hand reaching up to rest against the base of his skull as I tried to calm my breathing. His hair was soft between my fingers, his skin warm to the touch.

Benedikt didn't take much, but I was dizzy when he pulled away, mesmerized by the crimson glistening on his lips. He pulled a handkerchief out of his jacket pocket and pressed it to the small wound, his fingers firm. He tied it around my wrist to keep the pressure on, then reached up to push a loose strand of hair out of my face. "Thank you, Jane."

I nodded, feeling lightheaded, and didn't protest when he tucked me into bed. His hand brushed my cheek and I leaned into the touch, nuzzling against his palm. There was a moment of hesitation before he pulled away, and I heard the door close behind him as I drifted to sleep.

x

* * *

 **author's note**

* * *

 _Sorry for bein a fvcking monster who never updates. School and work and depression and me being a lazy asshole make writing difficult. Also I just realized that Jane has cried in two consecutive chapters and I want to stress that she's a trauma survivor who is Dealing With Some Shit and not just a crybaby. I'll try to keep her from crying in the next chapter! Speaking of which, I'm going to try posting chapters on the first Sunday of every month. That should give me a reasonable time frame that will be hard for me to weasel out of. :/_


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